Owning the D List Status

Hey everyone,

It has been awhile, but I write you for a second time and hopefully this time it will save. Last night, I had this issue completed and ready to edit, and then it didn't save. Still bitter about this, I am making sure every single sentence saves tonight, or I may trade this blog in for another one that works better.

Getting a Watch Battery:

Last month, my watch battery died, and I went about the task of changing the battery. Now, one would think this would be an easy thing to do, even in Bulgaria. Simply go to a watch shop, and change the battery. In the States, you can go to Target or Walmart and get this done in 2 minutes, but not in Bulgaria. I naively assumed you could go to any watch store and change the battery. SO, so, wrong.

My first stops were at two fancy watch stores in The Mall on my way home from work, assuming that any watch store would be able to change my watch battery. I was met by surly young women in both stores, who in proud Bulgarian customer service relations gave me an answer that made me feel like an idiot. "We don't change watch batteries and why would you expect us to?", was the reply I got in both stores. When I asked where I could get a battery, the usual vague reply was: "Somewhere in the center."

With this beautiful piece of information, I went about one Sunday on Vitosha looking for a watch battery, and finding the Buddies Bears debuting here to build tolerance in a city that could use a lot of tolerance training. I went to four watch stores of different kinds of watches, and not one store could change the battery. But, the saleswomen were much nicer than at the mall, apologized, and told me to try the store next door assuming they would change batteries. After four stores, I gave up and decided today was not the day I was going to change the watch.

Returning from Paris and Balchik, I met a friend for lunch, and decided to renew my quest for the watch battery, but this time on Graf Ignatief street. This time, I felt confident I would find the place that would help me. At the first store, I was in luck and they changed watch batteries, but the woman couldn't open my watch to change the battery.

Finally, I walked by a watch shop with watch repairs near the corner of Rakovski and Graf Ignatief. Of course, this is the place I should have come to in the first place, but I walked by here a million times without realizing it was there, as I never needed my watch repaired. In ten minutes, I had a new watch battery, even though I got ripped off because my battery cost 15 leva, while the previous peron's battery only cost 8 leva. At this point, I didn't really care, as I was simply happy I got the battery changed, and paying a small fee to change it after looking relentlessly for a month was worth it.

Gay D List Sofia:

When writing this, I am in no way upset, but more stating what are facts and observations. With all my straight friends, I am a total A list, and my straight friends rock and so do my colleagues. Without them, my life would be very boring and I would not have the support I have. With my gay friends, I only have 4-5 after almost three years, and two of them are American, with only one gay best friend. I could include six with my ex-bf in London being Peter Pan, but he's in London being Peter Pan, so he doesn't count.

I am at full acceptance with my status in both the gay and straight communities here in Sofia, and it is almost as if I earning my stripes. Unlike Kathy Griffin who calls herself a D list celebrity, it took me a little while to own the D list status in the Sofia gay community. In DC, I was able to make lots of gay friends, and it's been bewildering to me why I don't have more gay friends after almost three years, but I have some theories and observations why. Like Kathy Griffin and celebrities, most gays are terrified to talk to me. I moved up to the D list because I was on the E list when I first got here. And E was not fun at all, so I will take being on the D list.

Here are the reasons why I am on the D list with the Sofia Gay Community(It could be one, multiple, and/or all of them depending on which gay guy you are talking to):

1. I am not the typical gay guy that is presented on TV for Bulgarians to see.

I like to go to concerts, action movies, and the theater, instead of chalga concerts and the gay bar exclusively. I would prefer to wear a $9 t-shirt from Kohls, then to spend $100 on a G-Star Raw tshirt. I like sports, which is the kiss of death. I can spend hours wandering around art museums looking at art. In the states and in DC, it is easy to find similar gay souls who share my interests. In Sofia, I am the lone wolf. They like fashion, chalga, and gossip, which aren't exactly my strong talking points, or what I am interested in.

2. I like other music besides chalga and pop music:

While I went to Madonna, I lost a lot of points when I went to the AC/DC, Elton John, and Bob Dylan concerts last year. Why was I going to see such music? I had one extra Elton John ticket and offered it for free to my two gay friends and anyone else, and they ALL rejected the ticket. Why? Because Elton John was old and didn't represent gay interests in Sofia. Yes, an icon who has improved the lives of the gay community for many years is seen as an old has been with the gays in Sofia.

Chalga is huge, and mostly played at every gay bar, and is sometimes the only music gays here will listen too along with pop music. While I like chalga, I cannot just simply listen to chalga all the time, and it is too much for me.

3. They are terrified of talking with an American:

This sounds strange, but it is true. I have heard many times from friends of my two Bulgarian gays friends say they don't know what they could talk to the American about. The best part is they think I don't understand this, and then I mentioned in Bulgarian how I just understood what they said.

This was the same way in Balchik, but it got better after the first year and were willing to talk to me. In Balchik and with my straight friends in Sofia, we have conversations about things that would be everyday consversation things, and we can laugh and talk about stuff. Not so with the gays in Sofia. They don't have the patience to speak with me, or it is like I am the anti-christ. So, I usually sit quietly with the gays as they talk, and Sasho and Rado will usually find a way to get me into the conversation eventually.

4. I have a quiet demeanor, and I am not the outgoing gay you see on Will and Grace, or other TV shows:

I have always been like this, but it really throws off the gays here. With some people, I will remain quiet during a conversation when I feel there is not much for me to contribute. In the states, I could get away with this, but the gays in Bulgaria don't get this part of me, and they think is something wrong with me when I am quiet.

5. Why would a gay American actually want to work and live here?

I get this question A LOT. Why would I choose to willingly live here? Many gays here would leave Bulgaria if given the chance, because they are extremely uncomfortable being gay in Bulgaria. My ex-bf firmly falls in this category, as do many others. He is living in London because he is too afriad of being gay in Sofia.

When they find out you actually want to stay and live in Bulgaria, then there is something wrong with you. If I worked at the embassy, it would be different, and they would understand this. But, I willingly signed a contract to work and stay here and I choose to stay long term, which bamboozles most gays here.

6: Sports:

I love sports, especially soccer, hockey, and swimming. Bulgarian men hate sports, and they never understand why I would want to watch hockey games, soccer games, or American football games. It is the kiss of death when I mention I like sports to some gays. While I found lots of gays who played sports and they became great friends in DC, here it has been impossible to play a sport with gays besides badmitton, which I can't stand.

7. Gay life is catching up, but still behind the times:

While things have improved a lot in gay life, the gays themselves are behind the times, not just the straight people. When I mentioned how my straight friends and my mom have gone to gay bars and restaurants in DC, they acted as if I committed a mortal sin for bringing my mom out. I had to mentor them on how silly of a comment that was, and how unaccepting it was. Unlike the States where there were many gays leading the push for gay rights, there are very few here willing to do such a thing. The pride parade is scarcely attended, and I become the rebel for being out, talking about dating issues with straight friends, colleagues, and being out to everyone I care about. This now includes my Bulgarian mom in Balchik, who we have a don't ask, don't tell policy, but she did ask two weeks ago whether I found a nice girl or guy in which I am dating, so she knows and just pretends not to know, lol. So now, there is no one who doesn't know about me, and I am extremely comfortable with that.

In the States, I was definitely not the one pushing for gay rights, or leading a cause. After three years here, I feel that I must now sometimes, for the sake of the gays here themselves, and show them there are other views to what gay life actually is, not just what they think it is from some video or movie.

Acceptance of D List Status:

Having said all of this, I am extremely thankful to Sasho and Rado, and a few new friends who have started to get to know me and get me. Note, I am not talking about the two Americans here who get me, nor am I talking about dating life in particular. Finding a guy to date is tricky because of all of this, but I have dated guys, and very nice, gorgeous, wonderful guys. Yeah, it is more difficult and a royal pain dealing with this stupidity, but not impossible and I have found my way in Sofia now. Plus, I have moved up from the E list to the D list, which is a big improvement. The E list is a nightmare when I was in my Oprah fat phase. One day, I hope to move up to B list, like I was in DC with the gays. If not, I am comfortable will accpet my D list status in Sofia, and will report on it more.

How to drive the Sofia/Varna road:

Driving this path could be so much easier if Bulgaria actually finished the highway from Sofia to Varna, like they promised about 35 years ago. Instead, you have two portions of with about 70 kilometers of highway, followed by over 300 kilometers of a two lane road. The highway is the easy part, but the two lane road makes the drive hellish. As I drive this way to Balchik and back a few times a year, I am constantly reminded of what Buglaria should have done, but instead invests in unnecessary hotel and villa building with politicians who care little about the country. I pray to baby Jesus that one day they will finish this highway, but building more hotels on the Black Sea coast is more important, especially when half of them are empty.

Normal people drive this road in about 5-6 hours, and I can do it in five, and usually make Balchik in 6-7, depending on whether there is a holiday season, or when I leave. To survive driving this road and not go insane, I offer the following tips:

1. Bring a good collection of CDs:

There is no radio reception after about 30 km outside Sofia, and I learned this the hard way my first two trips. Now, I have a collection of 30 CDs to pull my through the trip.

2. Learn the road, where it is safe to pass, where it is not, and where there are the speed traps.

Even though I am Speed Racer, I know there are two sections of this road for about 5-10 km where it is simply unwise to pass under any circumstances. So if I get stuck behind a truck going 30 kmh in a place impossible to pass, I will sing along to songs, try to be patient as possible, curse a the corrupt Bulgarian politicians, and then pass when it is safe to pass.

3. Be careful of mafia style drivers or idiot drivers thinking they are Formula One race car drivers in their Volkswagen Golf or Opel:

Every time I drive this road, I almost see one near accident because one of these drivers are impatient and choose they are so important that they must arrive in Varna 5-10 minutes before you. I have learned to let these drivers by, as they are much better ahead causing accidents, than near me causing accidents.

That's all for now, but next time I will include more recipes, including the Peanut Butter Pie, and Spaghetti with Spinach and Sirene. Thanks for reading, and next time there will not be a huge break between issues.

Unable to Resist Temptation

Hmm, I did post in February once, but I started writing it in January, so I guess it doesn't count. This one will count for February though, and there are so many great topics to choose from, but these two are the ones I will write about.

The peanut butter penalty jar is at 23 leva, or 11.50 Euro, or $15USD. It's growing!

Snowboarding, a Five Day Crash Course:
Every year, there is an event called Ski Week for our school, which I love and dread at the same time.

Why do I love it?: Because it is a chance to get outside, get paid to do snowboarding, and enjoy the great outdoors. That's right, we have five school days where I get to actually snowboard instead of teach first grade squirrels. How cool is that?

Why do I despise this week?: Because it usually means I am going to do something stupid and attempt to kill, badly bruise, or cause bodily harm to myself on the snowboard. I could ski, help Kindergartners get up, or do an outdoor program where they ice skate and hike, but that's not nearly as exciting as snowboarding. Last year, I was doing great, until the last day on ice and I wiped out and had a huge bruise on my ass for two weeks.

But, I cannot resist snowboarding, even though I know I will probably end up super sore and bruised at the of the week. Here is a rundown of my snowboarding adventures this year.

Day 1: Decided to go and practice my moves with a few colleagues in Borovets, in an attempt to not look like an idiot when I snowboard with the sixth graders eight days later. I got a little too ambitious with a rented board that wasn't quite fitting my foot. On the third or fourth run, I go flying into the air upon trying to make a turn, and bounce once, then fly into the air again and fly further, landing a second time. I hit my head both times on the ground. The sounds of the people on the lift were:

OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH! or EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!!!

My reaction: I stand up and shout out to Suzanne above: "I'm fine!!!!!"

Proceed to snowboard for another 90 minutes, eat lunch, drive home from Suzanne's apartment, and then decide to take nap. Everything was fine, but I was tired, mostly from waking up at 6:30am on a Saturday.

Wake up with major headache and nausea, and assume I got the dreaded flu virus that infected 80% of my class. Cursing myself for getting flu virus. Call Alex to tell him I am sick and not going out tonight. Alex tells me to call Rado to let him know I am not going out tonight, I proceed to call my other friend Rado in Balchik. I do not realize this until the next day. Headaches and nausea continue on Sunday, but I am bamboozled why I am not seriously ill with a flu virus that makes people throw up violently.

It is only on Monday that I realize that I don't have a mild version of the flu, when my first grade squirrels need to tell me three times about the schedule, and I keep skipping the number three when I count to ten making tens with the money we are counting. Suddenly, I realize I don't have the flu, but a mild concussion. First grade boys are worried a little, as they realize their teacher is forgetful with remembering to bring things to school, but there is something wrong because he always can count.

Decide to take the day off, and probably should have taken Tuesday off as well, but decide to be stubborn and go to work to prove myself. I do not go to the doctor, as they would have told me to just rest and do not exercise. I do have Diane and Dave track me for dinner at the sushi place. Overall, I do a great job, except for putting the soy sauce in the wrong dish.

Sidenote 1: I went shopping and bought a very ugly mustard yellow shirt because it somehow reminded me of riding and showing horses when I was growing up. At least it only cost 39 BGN leva, or about $25 USD. I would be really pissed if it had cost 200 BGN leva, or $130. Plan to keep shirt as a reminder to not go shopping while having a mild concussion.

Sidenote 2: I decide to buy a helmet from my boss for 100 BGN leva, or $60 USD, for days 2-5, as I want to make sure I have some protection from myself on the snowboard. This proves to be a good investment, plus I look super cool in it. Had I had this helmet on day one, I never would have had the concussion.

Sidenote 3: I would have gone to the doctor had the headaches gotten worse, but I knew the only thing they were going to tell me is to rest and let them know if the headaches got worse after getting a concussion 10 years ago. I also had a connection to see the best neurosurgeon in Bulgaria if it got worse, so I felt covered.

Days 2-4: No incidents on the bunny hill eight days later, where my head is clear, and I focus on make all the necessary turns and do those very, very well. I go back to the scene where I flew threw the air and successfully go down four times without killing myself. Snowboard instructor tells me on Day 2 I am in excellent shape and I have a great body, as I have to take off layers because it is super hot in polypropolene walking up and down a hill 40 times in one day with the sixth graders, who are not wearing long underwear. Sadly, our snowboard instructor is female, and this further proves a crazy theory I will write about in another edition.

Day 5: My brain decides to take the morning off because I had a nightmare the previous night where I felt like someone was choking me to death at 1:00am. Yes, this really happened, and yes, I really felt like someone was pressing their hands to my throat, trying to choke me to death.

Terrified, I searched my entire apartment for an intruder, and then watched podcasts and played solitaire, scared shitless to go back to sleep until 3:30 am, as I believed someone was going to kill me in my sleep. I only fell asleep out of exhaustion, convinced that Freddy would stalk my nightmares and my street changed its name to Elm instead of Charlz Darvin.

As a result of this nightmare and not sleeping well, our fearless hero falls badly while trying to use the moving button lift, and forgets everything I learned about turning. Knee suffers bruise which finally goes away as I am writing this blog issue.

Afternoon is much better and I gain a second wind, doing turns and acting like a pro going down the hill, showing off for all the first grade squirrels stuck sidestepping up a hill on skis.

End result: I am an intermediate snowboarder, which means I can go down the hill, make some turns and not kill myself 75% of the time, use a button lift and look like a pro, and know the difference between heel and toe edges of the board. I decide to take the rest of the season off, but I am interested in buying a board, since I have all the other equipment besides this. I might as well throw down the money and get more ambitious. I have a helmet, am fearless, and I look cool doing it, so I am completely sold on this. Nothing is going to stop me from being intermediate plus next year.

Bulgarian Census and Being an Illegal American:
This year, Bulgaria decided to have a census for the entire country, and wanted to count everyone, including the foreigners. There was an online census from February 1-9, and then they had people go door to door from February 10-28. If you did not fill out the census when they came to your door, you faced a 250 BGN fine, or about $160.

First, I tried to take the online census, as two million Bulgarians did. I was trying to make life easier for the census and have one less foreigner to count. However, my personal identity number is invalid for the online census, as it was for all foreigners. The foreigners overwhelmingly preferred to take the online version, but none of us could because Bulgaria wanted to actually go through the trouble to count us, and see how many illegal Americans there are in Bulgaria!

Well, it is now February 27th, and no one has come knocking on my door. I think they came when I was in Borovets or in Koprivshtitsa, so I go uncounted because I will not get home until late tomorrow night because of a birthday party. No one is going to ask me whether I have indoor or outdoor plumbing. No one is going to ask me why the 78 year old woman isn't living in my apartment where I get discounted bills for electricity. Instead, I will be one of the countless illegal Americans living and working here in Bulgaria.

Officially, there are only a little over 200 Americans in the entire country. But when you add all the uncounted illegals like me, we're over 2,000. We rampage through Sofia demanding streets without potholes, a highway that goes somewhere, Skippy peanut butter, and not having babas beat us up when we try to buy bananas on sale at Carrefour. This illegal American also demands ground turkey and turkey sausage. We have rights too!

Pumpkin Brownies:
Some people think the peanut butter brownies I make are devine, but these brownies are purely devine, and very few people have tried them.

How great are they? After eating a full dinner of pasta and chicken, the four guests and I could not control ourselves from almost devouring the entire pan of brownies. Each of us had 4-6 brownies, including a very thin woman and a gay guy not wanting to gain weight, who cursed me the next day for making something so wonderful. Even I could not resist this in my goal to become Oprah thin, and I ate 5 of them, and then ate two more then next morning, reluctantly saving one for Viktor.

Be forewarned: If you make these the correct way, you will be powerless against the taste, and will go back for a lot of helpings. Pumpkin and chocolate combine to form an excellent choice. The secret is to bake real pumpkin, then puree it when it is soft. The canned pumpkin from the store in the states simply doesn't deliver the same taste as a real pumpkin, and it has a lot more presevatives. I am convinced my pumpkin brownies and pumpkin pie are amazing as a result of this process. I will never used canned pumpkin again, unless there is little choice when pumpkins are not in season and I am making something with pumpkin in the states for friends in the summer.

Pumpkin Brownies:

3/4 cup flour
3/4 cup butter, melted
3 eggs
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup pumpkin puree
1 teaspoon cinnamon
3/4 teaspoon cloves
3/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 cup cocoa powder
1/2 cup chocolate chips, preferrably Belgian dark chocolate chips

Directions:
In a bowl, combine sugar, eggs, butter, and vanilla and mix well. Add flour, baking powder, and salt. Mix thoroughly.

Divide batter equally into two bowls. In the first bowl, add cocoa powder and chocolate chips, and stir until well blended.

In the second bowl, stir pumpkin, cloves, nutmeg, and cinnamon.

Grease 9x12 pan well. Add chocolate batter first to create bottom layer. Then, add pumpkin layer. Spread evenly with a spatula, then use a knife to cut through the two layers and create a marble effect. Bake at 350F/175C for 40-45 minutes. Cool, and try to share these with someone you love.

Sidenote: If you eat the entire pan, you cannot be blamed for being unable to resist the taste of pumpkin and chocolate together.

Lost and Found

I am thrilled everyone liked the first issue and thank you for all the comments and praise. To answer a few questions, I am now up to 11 leva in the peanut butter addiction collection. Sirene is a bulgarian white cheese similar to feta, but a little saltier and tastier. There is a Turkish store on Columbia Pike near Walter Reed where you can get the real Bulgarian sirene. Whole Foods has it as well, but it is not as good as the stuff at the Turkish store.

This edition has a lost and found theme, and banana pancakes. Enjoy!

What has teaching 15 first grade boys done to me?
Any given school day, you will hear me inevitably saying to one of my 15 first grade boys (out of 20) to find something he has lost or forgotten. These items include socks, gloves, shoes, bags, books, shirts, sweaters, pants, toys, brains, water bottle, homework, library books, and/or all of the above. They never lose lunch though, which doesn't surprise me because never go between a boy and his stomach, EVER.

Rather than fixing their forgetful behavior this school year, they have rubbed off on me and I have become like them. Since Christmas, I have lost many things, and I and give you the status of them:

1. Sunglasses: Left them in the Arena Mladost movie theater after watching Narnia. I blame the 3D glasses that WERE NEVER needed for this film, and it was a total ploy by Hollywood to make more money and lose my sunglasses! Well, it did take me two days to figure out where I last had my sunglasses, because one simlpy doesn't wear sunglasses all the time in December in Sofia. Did I find them? No Way!!!! The Arena Mladost ticket seller acted as if I were rabid raccoon when I asked about my sunglasses two days later. After a month, I bought a pair half price at The Mall for $39 Euro/78 Bulgarian leva.


2. Two winter hats: I left both hats in my classroom in December. One would think my classroom would be a safe haven for my hats, but I have learned that I can leave $1,500 Euro/$3,000 leva in my classroom for four days and no one touches anything, but winter hats disappear immediately. Did I find them? NOPE! For this one, I am convinced one of the first grade boys have done something with my winter hats. Either they thought the hat was theirs and wore it home to a bewildered mom(70% chance), or they took them on purpose and hid the hats on me because I tell them every day to take care of their things(30% chance). After a few days, it was cold and I had to buy another hat to keep my head warm this winter. Naturally, I keep this hat far away from the first grade boys. They laughed when they saw my new winter hat.
   
3. Snowpants: When school started again in January, I had recess duty and was ready to put on my snowpants, when I discovered I had lost them. I was butt ass cold all morning, and it made me go on a frenzied search to find them, mostly because snowpants cost almost nothing in the states, but are super expensive in Bulgaria. Did I find them? YES!! I cannot blame the first grade boys for this one. They were in a large IKEA bag I took home all my Christmas loot in, and I forgot they were in there until I took out the last of the loot about two weeks ago.
   
4. Shirt: I lost/left the shirt I was wearing after going to ID one Saturday night. This was the only thing I lost while I was 'happy' and can be blamed by alcohol. It took me until Monday afternoon to realize I lost it and I had an "Oh Yahhh" moment. What is an "Oh Yahh" moment????? It is what my brother and I exclaimed sarcasticly after either of us or someone else did a completely ridiculous and/or stupid thing and this person finally realized this. Sidenote: When I taught fourth grade in Arlington, I used the "Oh yahhhh" moments often with my fourth graders, who did not fully understand the consequences of this when saying "Oh Yahh" to their parents. Two students got grounded for a week for calling out their parents on something and using the "Oh Yahhh". After these groundings and complaining to me, they had another "Oh Yahh" moment as I explained to them that they are 10 and can't use the "Oh Yahhh" on parents until they're in college, or possibly until after they graduate college if mom and dad are paying the tuition. Did I find it? Oh Yahh, but only because my friend Rado found the shirt at the table and took it home for me.

One can only wonder what I will lose after posting this, and what other effects the 15 first grade boys will have on me. I will keep you updated.

How did I use so much heat/hot water?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Two weeks ago, the nice admin lady who deals with our paychecks informed me that my heating/hot water bill was quite high and was $300 Euro. Since I pay half, this meant the real cost of the bill was $600 Euro/$780 USD/ $1,200 leva. After an initial moment of panic, I relaxed, and then freaked out completely thinking WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? about 100 times and wondering what exactly I did to have such a high heating bills from May until October. How could my bill be so high when I was gone pretty much two months this summer, and I don't use heat in the summer, except in October when the heat was turned back on. How could I use so much heat? I called Nadia, my super landlady, to find out the answer. She is amazing because she only has one apartment, actually cares to take care of things, wants the best quality when she buys things, and completely told off my upstairs neighbors last year who were doing illegal construction last year.

Your choices on why Nadia said my heating/hot water bill was so expensive are:

A. I am heating three apartments, not just my own.

B. The Sofia hot water/heating company has no f@$%ing clue how to deal with their bills, and just charge people whatever they feel like.

C. Owen and Alex turned on the hot water while watering plants this summer, having a 24/7 wasteful energy extravaganza.

D. Teresa's shower usage was responsible for 1/3 of the bill for the few days she stayed in the apartment this summer.

E. Prices for heat and hot water prices have gone up.

E or A could have been correct, while C and D are just too obvious. But if you know anything about Bulgaria, the correct answer is B because this is a former Bulgarian state run company. What were you thinking if you didn't choose B??? These companies don't have to explain to anyone. They told my landlady this was just how it was going to be, and told thousands of other people the same thing. I recently asked my cell phone provider why I had not received a paper bill in over two months, and the woman acted as if I was asking for an informercial religious miracle for the cell phone company to do its actual job and be responsible. Why would the heating/hot water company be any different???

Nadia is a saint, and explained to me while my heating bills were for six months, the Sofia hot water/heating company are run by complete idiots who don't know their heads from their asses. They charged me over 300 leva to fix the crappy radiators I have in my apartment that runs their heat. Since Sofia heating actually own the radiators, and not my landlady as you may think. How does the utility own my radiators? Because this is Bulgaria, and I must pay for the repairs because why should they be bothered with covering the cost of upkeep of their radiators that haven't been replaced since 1960. That is my expense for the gift using their heat, except when the Russians are pissed at the Ukranians and turn off the heat to Buglaria, like they did in 2009.

To add insult to injury, they charged me about another 300 leva for what they thought I would use for the November and December heating in what they called auto-correcting, and charging me for the heat they think I'm going to use based on my bills from the previous two years, so my bill might be smaller. But, Nadia told me my December bill was only 204 leva, and was less than last year because December was warm this year. Alas, auto-correcting for future bills totally failed.

So, HALF of my 1,200 bill is for fixing their radiators, and for heat I didn't use. Nadia filed a complaint, or MOLBA, to the company for her bill and my bill, pretty much telling them how ridiculous and stupid they are for billing this way. One might think the Sofia heat/hot water snap out of their idiocracy and actually bill correctly, but they charged Nadia 1,300 leva and she has a smaller apartment than I do!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, I think Nadia is going to be harassing them for a long time, which is their mistake. This is the same woman who got the cable, phone, and internet companies to come to my apartment within an hour when I first arrived here in August 2008, and I don't know of anyone who has gotten this to happen, not even the mafia guys. I have faith Nadia will somehow get money back from her MOLBA complaint, mostly because Sofia Hot Water/Heating will get exhausted dealing with her because she is persistent, knows her facts, and attacks like a bulldog when someone wrongs her.

Banana Pancakes(optional with chocolate chips)

Whenever I'm feeling blue, nothing cheers me up better than banana pancakes, or banana chocolate chip pancakes. Friends have been very pleased with this creation, and people who say the smell from making them permeates my kitchen with a delectable goodness every time I make them. The key to this recipe is adding the banana first to the batter, mixing it, and then adding enough milk to turn the batter into proper American pancake batter. If you want a tastier version or this, add chocolate chips and treat yourself to complete bliss.

The first time I tried this recipe was at a brunch at my apartment in September 2009 and was a huge favorite devoured by many people. There was only one person ever unhappy with this recipe, and that's because she assumed I was making crepes when I said I was making pancakes. Note to everyone: When an American says he/she is making pancakes, they will NEVER make crepes. Don't even dare to think this will ever happen and get your hopes up.

If you try this at home, a lot of my recipes are variations of a recipe, where some of the measurements are exact, and some are estimates based on sight. This one is easier than some, but my goal is to start writing these recipes down again. Good luck trying this one at home, and enjoy a bit of bliss.

Banana Pancakes

2 cups flour

1 1/2 - 2 bananas, pureed(depends on how much banana flavor you want)

1 1/4 cups milk

4 teaspoons baking powder

2 tablespoon sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 teaspoon cinammon, nutmeg, and salt

1 egg

Optional: 1/2 cup chocolate chips

Directions: Mix flour, sugar, cinammon, nutmget, baking powder, and salt together in a bowl. Add banana and vanilla, and mix into batter. Add half the milk, stir, and add rest of milk as needed to desire to create best pancake batter. If you are using chocolate chips, add them at the end.

Heat over lightly greased frying pan or griddle at medium/medium high heat, depending on how your stovetop cooks. Pour into large spoonfuls into pan, and make sure you brown on both sides. Take out of pan, eat, and enjoy. Goes well with maple syrup, honey, or peanut butter. Or, a combination of those.

Serve hot and enjoy!

Winter Blues

Hello everyone! Sorry for the delay in the blog, but I had a slight concussion last week, and it made writing and editing difficult. Of course, I could say I'm suffering from a mild concussion everytime I write this, so as to have an excellent excuse for my editing mistakes. It also gives me a perfect excuse for losing and forgetting things.


The peanut butter penalty jar stands at 16 leva, 8 Euro, or about 12 USD. It is slowly building up. This installment has a variety of topics, so enjoy.

Who gives the best fashion advice?
Some may say women, some may say gay men, but I say first grade boys are even better. I honestly test out shirts with them to see what they will say. Why? They are brutally honest because they don't know it's impolite to say something mean about whatever someone is wearing. One prime example is when I bought this great grey shirt that I thought looked fabulous. My first day wearing this shirt to school, many people complimented me, and even my director commented on how great I looked in it with all the weight loss. Well, it didn't take long to hear the official reaction from the boys. Here was their reaction the end of one school day:
Boy 1: You have a big belly with that shirt!
Boy 2: Yeah, look at his belly!
Boys 3-15 in not so much unison, but almost in unison as first graders can do to show excitement: Wow, you DO have a belly with that shirt.


Needless to say, I have not worn that shirt to school since this fateful day a few months ago, but I plan to wear it again next month to see if their opinions have changed.

How to survive driving in Sofia lessons 1 and 2:
In Sofia, I drive more like a Bulgarian, with American sensibility added into my driving skills. In Buffalo, I terrified my family sometimes, until they came to DC and called me an excellent driver and fully understood my driving skills. Sofia is pretty similar to driving in DC or New York, except there is a 25% increase in stupidity and unpredictable behavior. The key to survival is to be prepared for anything to happen, go with the flow, avoid potholes, and have a little bit of lady luck on your side.

To help you get an idea on what driving is like in Sofia, I have decided to give you some helpful hints on how to survive driving in a big city, but spread out over a few issues, so as to slowly understand.

Lesson 1: Be prepared for the noveau rich and Mafia to do anything. Why? Because they believe driving rules don't apply to them, because they feel they are entitled to do these things because they have money, and you do not. On any given day, these people will do amazingly idiotic things just to get a few cars ahead of everyone else. One day this past June, there were 26 major accidents in Sofia, and over 75% of them were caused by people driving expensive Audis, Mercedes, or Porshe SUVs.

In the past year, I have had five instances where one of these idiots almost caused an accident in front of me. It is by pure reflexive skill that I did not run into them. Afterwards, I honk like crazy after them, so they understand what they did almost caused a serious accident. Yet, you know none of them actually care, because I should have anticipated one of them driving down the road recklessly attempting to cause harm to others so they can get to their dinner date faster.

The picture above shows what happened in my hood by one of these drivers next to the Azerbajani embassy one sunny afternoon in September 2009 (I live next to the embassy). In order to do this, the mafia guy had to be traveling at least 80-90 kmph( about 45-50 mph) on a small street and did this in less than 100 meters. On this street, I have never gone over 40kmph(25mph) because it is a small, narrow side street full of lots of people walking. The mutri guy flipped the car into the entrance of the embassy, which obviously really pissed off the Azerbajanis. Usually, these mutri guys will pay off people with money, as they did with Sarah and Owen after a noveau rich driver ran into them. But this time, throwing 300-500 leva at the Azerbaijani embassy wasn't going to work, especially when you flipped a car that blocked their entrance.

Lesson 2: Side streets in my neighborhood heading slightly downhill turn into an icy bobsled course: Driving home from my English lesson last year, I was almost home and as I made the right turn by the Russian Embassy, I knew I had to be careful because the side streets are never plowed, and there would be some ice on the road. So, I was only driving 25 kmph(15mph) in anticipation of having to slow down. Little did I know I was in my own episode of Ice Road Truckers. The entire street had turned into a sheet of ice, the street headed downhill slightly, making it impossible for me to stop on the street.

Luckily, there were no other cars on the street, or I would have been in serious trouble. In a state of total panic, I slid past my street and my anti-lock brakes simply were not working on the sheet of ice and were not getting any traction. As I slid past my street, I was hopeful to slow down enough to make the 90 degree right turn that was two blocks away. After passing the Sushi restaurant, I saw a very old man walking in the middle of the street, and he was expecting me to stop for him because he was walking on an icy street. I had to honked excessively to let this old man know I wasn't going to be able to stop, and this guy was not moving. If I hit the guy, I knew I was going to jail and I envisioned the Bulgarian news headline as "Reckless American ruthlessly slaughters defenseless Diado(Grandpa) with his car". The thoughts flashed through my head of being in jail for a long time, and becoming girlfriend to a toothless, tattooed prisoner in a Bulgarian prison outside Pazardjik for 10-20 years.

While I never would have intended to hit the man, the Bulgarian press would have had a field day with me, because they're bitter the US will not give them travel visas like the other EU members.

Fortunately, the old man got out of the way just in time, and I managed to slide into the turn going 10 miles an hour and come to a stop on the flat cross-street. Somehow, I avoided prison, infamy, and becoming a girlfriend to a toothless, tatooed prisoner. My fate is to continue to live here and now write this blog. This night taught me two important lessons:

1. Never go down these side streets when they turn into a sheet of ice, and take an alternate route home.

2. Honking excessively at old people does no good, because they're just too old to care.

You might be a Mutri if (Mafia guy or Mafia Wife):

If you wear or own anything with a leopard print, you just might be Mutri.

If your wife is 20, you are 50, and you bought breast implants for her, you just might be Mutri.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43_-NKtuhLo

If your nine year old child has a birthday party that cost the equivalent of the Lesotho yearly budget, you might be Mutri.

If you are a 20 year old woman driving a Porshe, you just might be a Mutri wife. Or Matt Ziems is right: There are A LOT of 20-25 year old young successful businesswomen driving around Lozentz in Porshes, Audis, and Mercedes. American women need to get their act together to compete with these entreprenurial geniuses.

If you like this clip, you might be Mutri, gay, a villager, or all of the above. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oA1daDCVC_Y

I wonder what Lady Gaga would do if she knew this clip existed........

Explaining the above clips:

Kamelia's Orgasm: I think Kamelia is using the Bible to hope to have her love come and be with her and have orgasms for the end of eternity. It also has an interesting interpretation of the leopard print outfit, for which she is thanking Baby Jesus for by holding the bible. In addition, she is thanking god for giving her the breast implants. Anyone else have an idea why the bible is in this song?

Sashka Vaseva's Lady Gaga Song: Yes, that is indeed the title. I think this clip represents Bulgaria well because it shows the entire of a Mutri home, the gays who love chalga singers, and the fashion you must wear to catch a mutri guy, or one of their sons.

That's all for now. In the next issue, I will give you the full details of teaching Bulgarian to Bulgarians. And, it will be out by the end of the February.

A new start

The Beginning of a New Era

After a ten year break, I have decided to renew my efforts to write a weekly column. Probably biweekly. You should be proud of me. I am finally ending the slothfulness at home, have become motivated, and will really commit to this project. My inspiration this time comes from two sources: my friend Owen and the movie Julie and Julia. If they can do it, so can I. The topics here will include:


1. Joe's dating life, or lack of dating life? You decide, just be fair and balanced about it.
2. Cooking and recipes
3. Life in Sofia
4. Audi and Mercedes mafia drivers with big necks. Oops, I mean the 'legitimate businessmen' who believe the law is above them and drive like idiots and cause 90% of the accidents in Sofia.
5. Anything that pops into my mind at the time.
6. I will have at least one glaring error somewhere in this, because I am my own worst editor.

I hope to fare better than the current state of Bulgarian football, or soccer for the Americans. Enjoy the first post, leave comments, and I hope you enjoy.


New Zara Jacket and my secret to getting back to Oprah thin:
Yes, I know this jacket looks fabulous on me. Last month, I decided to check out the sales in The Mall. Doesn't the mall have a name? Yes, it's called The Mall.

Before the Mall, there was no such thing as a real sale in Sofia. Sure, the high end stores would have sales, but then they would raise their prices, and you could never really know if it was a real sale or not. NOT ANYMORE!!! 2010 brought the opening of real malls with more store chains, and finally a real sale on clothes.

In 2009, I would have never fit my fat butt into this jacket, as I was pretty husky in my Oprah fat phase. Plus, there were no real sales. 2010 made me lose about 14 kilos, two new malls opened, Zara is now here in Sofia, and it is a different story. Last month after Christmas, I walked into Zara not looking for a jacket, but the jacket found me, I tried it on, and I had to have it. It was my reward for working hard and losing 14 kilos.

How great do I look in it? Even my boss said I looked great in the jacket this morning.

When I bought the jacket, I also made a commitment not to gain weight, because the jacket is fitted and it will not fit if I gain any weight back. Zara here makes their clothes form fitting, and the sizes are more Italian than American. Large is the US medium, and medium is the US small. Small is the way too small in the US. I fit into the medium jacket, but it would have been tight driving, so I bought the large. I was impressed I actually fit into the medium in Zara, which I couldn't do until last month. This means I can fit into small sizes. Woo hoo!

In the months ahead, it would probably be helpful to lose the last 4-5 kilos hanging around the stomach, so that I can achieve Oprah thin status, look great in small sizes, and get great deals at the stores in Buffalo this summer. Small is always available on the sales racks along with XXXL in Buffalo, and I plan to take full advantage of this. But unlike Oprah, I am actually eating. Today, I ate my homemade macaroni and cheese, which is full of carbs and cheese. But, I ate a lot of vegetables and fruits and didn't just gorge on macaroni and cheese, which I would have done previously.


In 2010-2011, I work out a lot again now, just as much as the swimming days in DC. It helps to have a decent gym at school, and an Itouch. I have a goal to work out 211 times this year, and I am at a 70% workout rate for 2011. Every workout this school year, I make sure I do at least 500 various stomach exercises of some sort, and/or get my ass kicked by pilates by the amazing Bulgarian woman who takes pilates to the extreme. I love Pilates and my abs scream in pain afterwards, but I am starting to see some resemblance of what you would need to have a firm stomach. So, onward pilates, and more rowing machine, cardio, and weights. Now, I just need to find a decent pool that isn't freezing, and/or doesn't cost 17-20 leva per use (about 12-13 USD). The gym at school is much cheaper(free), has great stuff, and I am the only person who actually uses the rowing machine.

My peanut butter addiction:

I am a peanut butter addict. It is a food I have eaten since I was two, and I just love eating mass quantities of peanut butter. The end of 2010 has made me realize peanut butter is something my stomach really cannot handle anymore. Being a peanut butter addict, this is has taken me about a year to admit, and sometimes I still eat it, despite knowing there's a 70% chance that I will become sick.

Why would someone eat a food that makes you sick 70% of the time? Umm, it's called addiction. My family has a reputation for having some great addictions, but not much will power in dealing with them. Hopefully, I will have better success quitting my addiction compared to them.


Since there is no Peanut Butter Anonymous in Sofia, here is my own step plan to quit peanut butter:

1. Admit that I have a problem. Check(Woo hoo, did it!, that was easy)


2. Talk to people about my addiction. Check. Colleauges and this blog counts.


3. Find a medicine that will allow me to eat peanut butter.


4. Cooking with peanut butter for others: Peanut butter pie, peanut butter brownies, peanut butter cookies, and more.


5. Put in 1 BGN leva penalty (about 75 cents) for each time I eat peanut butter for 2011. I'm up to four leva as of January 10. Hey, I told you my family was terrible at dealing with addictions!

I have decided to use the penalty money to buy presents for family and friends at home, or to buy myself something nice. Yup, I know this may encourage me to eat more peanut butter, or have you encourage me to eat more peanut butter. But I'm an addict, and I am in the middle of quitting. I think I deserve some leeway after having a hard day at work sometimes.

Seeing the Nutcracker in Sofia:

This holiday season, one highlight was going to the Nutcracker at the Sofia Opera House with a few friends, Nevena, Owen, Sarah, Andrew, and Hrissi. The opera house is easily one of my favorite buildings, and looks nothing like the rest of Sofia. Here were the highlights of the ballet:

1. Owen thinking there was some crazy guy waving his hands around in front of the stage during the entire performance. Yes, this was the conductor.

2. One guy who was obviously checking me out that three of my friends saw him checking me out before I saw it. This guy had a rather large man purse, so he's out.

3. Seeing about 5-6 women playing the roles of men. It must be because must men are too busy chain smoking to handle ballet dancing.

4. 40 BGN, or about $27 USD, for the best seats. In DC, I would have been lucky to sit in the cheap seats for this price.

Cooking at my host mom's in Balchik this year:

A miracle happened this year. I was allowed to cook and bring things to Christmas dinner in Balchik. It has only taken three years, but I was allowed to bring homemade cranberry sauce, my fabulous pumpkin pie, and was shocked when my host mom actually asked me to cook the turkey. In all the time I have known them, I have NEVER, EVER been allowed to cook for her except for my birthdays in Balchik back in the good old Peace Corps days. Even then, she took control of a lot of it and did a lot of the cooking.

What changed? Mimi, my Bulgarian host sister, and her son, Christian came to Thanksgiving this year. After eating all the food I made them and the leftovers for three days, I guess they decided I needed to add to the table this year. Luckily for them, I made the pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce. The cranberry sauce was great with the turkey, and amazing when you put it in a palachinka, aka crepe.

For my extraordinary cooking efforts, I was given over a kilo of homemade sirene, which I have almost eaten and may become my new addiction after I get rid of peanut butter. Homemade sirene is simply delectable and puts any other sirene to shame. The only problem is I need to find a great source of homemade sirene in Sofia.

That's all for now, but expect real writing this year! Have a great week!