Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Tis The Season

Hey everyone,

Yes, I have been slacking writing this blog and my readers, and I have decided to rededicate myself to the blog in 2012. The past few months has been hectic, and my blog writing has been replaced by the gym, George, ESPN America with football and hockey games on replay weekday evenings, holidays, responses to the fourth grade squirrels, and holiday festivities. Hmm, let's be honest, sixty percent of blog time was easily devoted to ESPN America, watching replays of hockey games and getting my hockey fix after not seeing any games in such a long time. There are so many things to write about, that this section might need two blogs. Without further ado, let's give 2012 everything it needs to keep you entertained. Here goes:

Introduction of Amelie, Amelie torturing my roommate, and how my boyfriend is like my lovely, yet animal crazy Aunt Camille:

Since the last blog I have a roommate since early November and at least for another month or so, plus got a new kitten. Times have changed in the apartment, and has made the life more lively and interesting. Around November 10, Adrian moved back from London and has been residing in the spare bedroom to finally get his degree, and finally figure out what he wants to do in life. For those keeping track, Adrian is my ex-bf, but we have become like best friends and breaking up was the best thing that ever happened to our friendship.

On November 29, I finally subcumed to the pressure and decided to get a household pet in Bulgaria. Growing up on a farm, I love animals, and this is the longest period of time without having a pet, 3 and 1/2 years. George also helped tremendously in Amelie's introduction to 8 Charlz Darvin. He has been asking for pets for a long time, and he reminds me of my aunt Camille.

To give you a small background on my aunt Camille's heart and attitude towards animals, she wants as many animals as possible, and she would have every animal known to humankind if she had her wish. In high school, our barn was full of animals, which was one of my best memories growing up, even if it did mean waking up every day at the crack of dawn to take care of all of them. Camille is the reason I got into riding horses, and she made sure I had a horse to ride for two years which I am forever thankful for, because horse riding and getting to know a horse while riding is one of those unique things in life you should never not do. Riding horses is more like you and the horse learn each others personalities, and you cannot be successful if you do not get to know the horse and what the horse is like. While I wasn't exactly a smashing success like my cousin was riding horse, I at least had a blast riding every day and escaping whatever was happening in reality by getting on a horse and riding for an hour or two a day.

But besides the horses, my aunt would willing sacrifice her entire paycheck on getting more animals, just to have one more is her goal. If possible, she would have had an elephant, tiger, or you name of the animal here to reside at the farm. If Camille did not have my cousin controlling her, she would go to an animal auction, and come back with about 2,000 animals because she thought they needed a home. That is just the type of person she is. We had llamas, buffalo, deer, rescued raccoons, and any other exotic animal which was legal to have. My first year in Balchik with the Peace Corps, no one there believed there was an antelope in our kitchen until my mom sent a picture of the antelope inside the house.

George is just like Aunt Camille in wanting about 5,000 animals. He saw some photos of monkeys at Kamy's place from her Bali pictures, and asked if we could have a monkey. After saying no, he asked about a chimpanzee instead. If George had his wish, I am certain my apartment would have a minimum of five cats, five dogs, a monkey, three rabbits, a parrot, two horses, two ferrets, and a giraffe. Luckily, the memories of goats and an antelope in our house in winter will never leave my memory. So, I said yes to ONE cat, and eventually will get a dog one day, but let's give the cat a year or two or three to adjust before there is mention of a dog.

Amelie is a wonderful three month old fireball of energy. She is very sweet, playful, loveable, and also a mischievous little devil. She has learned to play nice, and so far the leather couch has survived. Her favorite activity is harassing Adrian when he gets home from work. Amelie loves Adrian and is a mischievous little devil for him most evenings. Pretty much, she goes into his room, wants to play since she has slept all day just to be awake when he comes home from work around 12:30am,. She jumps off my bed where she instantly wakes up as soon as Adrian comes home, and greets Adrian, then tortures him inside his room until he yells at her for being a mad kitten. Just in the nick of time, she races away and hides in my room for a few minutes while I am sound asleep (because Adrian is a vampire and stays up until about 5-6am). Amelie has figured out she is completely safe and sound once she enters my room, and I am a sound sleeper and never hear Adrian screaming at Amelie as she tortures him. The whole process repeats until about 5 or 6 am, when Adrian goes to sleep. Afterwards, Amelie becomes my cat alarm clock at 6:40, sleeping with me, and then cuddling on my neck to make sure I wake up for work, and most importantly feed her IAMS. There is an innocent look in her eyes trying to pretend she was in bed sleeping the entire evening, but I always hear the real story when I get home from work. Below, enjoy the video of Amelie showing her true colors.

Joining the New Gym with the Muscle Guys and Crazy Gays:

After Thanksgiving, Adrian and I decided to join the new Atletik gym about one kilometer from my apartment. Pretty much, it is totally worth the 30 leva I pay every month to go to the gym. While I get to work out there about 4-5 times per week, the interactions and the men who go through are totally worth the price of admission.

To give you an idea of what it is like, here is a breakdown of the percentages of men who go to this gym:

Straight muscle guys: 40%
Gay Men: 40%
Random old men: 10%
Undeclared(meaning not quite sure if they are muscle or gay or both): 10%

Watching the men work on the machines and free weights is easily worth the price of admission. Think of it as the Atletik West Side Story, except with Bulgarian gays versus the muscle guys. Here is the top five of my favorite interactions while working out the past 45 days, of which there are tons to choose from, but I had to limit this to five. Drumroll please:

#5: finding Adrian's future 'boyfriend': Working out with Adrian doing weights together, and finding the most 'lovely' guys for him to be his next boyfriend. Sometimes, I am cruel and decide to comment on his future boyfriend while he is in the middle of a set of weights, which causes him to laugh out loud losing his concentration, and causing me to laugh like a hyena, while the gays glare at us in disapproval for daring to laugh while working out.

#4: The old muscle guy with bicycle clothing: He is on the list because he is around 50, but has decided to work out with bicycle clothing to show off his body, and prove he has zero fat on his body. Pretty much, his outfits are loud and out of control, but he is the one muscle guy who talks with everyone, gay or straight. For that, he gets extra points, even though somebody needs to stop wearing the bicycle clothes in the gym. He will never win a Tour De France with that heavy of a frame, and he needs clothing where we are not reminded of his package every time he walks around the gym.

#3 The model:
Two days before New Year's, I saw one guy from Varna who is convinced he is a model, and even had photo shoots made to make him look like a model. Well, now he has moved to Sofia, and works out at the new Atletik gym. Well, for this particular workout, he was wearing a gay fabulous workout mesh shirt, in which you could pretty much see his body, asking for helping from the straight trainer on how to use certain weight machines. While the trainer loved helping the hot woman who wore a see through white shirt with no bra and had nice perky breasts, he wasn't as excited to help out the model. Reluctantly, the trainer went to help the him a few machines, while the model showed off for the trainer, hoping that he might be able to compete with the hot chick with perky breasts. Sadly, the model's chest was nowhere near as perky.

#2 The straight guy with a decent body hitting on girls who doesn't wear deodorant : He almost made the number one spot if it weren't for the three guys below. Two times I have seen him work out, and you can easily smell him halfway across the gym. If I were counseling this guy like I do a few people as Judge Judy, this would be my advice to him in my imaginary world:

Me: "Dude, I get the metal shirt, but WTF is wrong with you not wearing any deodorant? See that hot girl you were checking out?????? Well, you're never going to get her because she can smell you and knows you're the guy who stinks like a village shepherd guy who hasn't taken a shower in two months!!!!!!! I see you work out, and you have a decent body. You want a chance at that hot chick? Well, do this thing called personal hygiene and take care of yourself. Otherwise, you're going to end up with one of the French Arab gay guys who is going to put on a wig because they're not that picky. Do you understand? Those three aren't that picky, and you know it. After your workout, go downstairs to the grocery store, pick up some deodorant, and bring flowers to the hot chick next time to make up for that awful smell she had to deal with while you were staring at her breasts. Then, you might have a chance. Got it? Ok, Приятен ден биатч."

#1 The Gay French Arabs: I saw these three guys last month when on the elliptical, trying to get out of my fat Oprah phase. Pretty much, these three guys joined the gym mostly to drool and stare at all the guys working out. Here is the lowdown on these three guys.

French guy #1: Well, since I am in a moment of honesty, he makes me look wafer thin. He spends most of the time sitting on the couch, lightly biking for three minutes, or walking on the treadmill for a maximum of 10 minutes during the 90-120 minutes he is there.
French guy #2: He is the diva of the group, and he is cute in his own mind, and sincerely thinks he is god's gift to men. He works out sometimes, but is also sitting on the couches half the time 'reading magazines', but really fantasizing about which muscle guy he wants to take home after the gym.
French guy #3: Precisely like French guy #1, except not fat. He wears glasses, so it is even more obvious which straight muscle guy he is fantasizing about while 'reading magazines' on the couch.

One day, these three guys were watching Adrian and I the entire time we were working out on the couch. I finally realized this when they followed us into the changing room, hoping that Adrian and I would strip, get naked, show off, and maybe invite them home. Sadly for them, Adrian and I disappointed them severely by putting on track pants over our shorts, putting our jackets on, and immediately leaving the changing room. Since then, I think have been on their shit list, because I was the one who mentioned we had to leave right away, without mentioning those three guys. They are ALWAYS there when I work out, and are a constant source of entertainment. I wish these three could have their own reality show, and just watch what they do in the Atletik gym and around town.

Final Moments: Well, anyone is welcome to come work out with me at the Atletik gym, just to prove that I am not making any of these things up. I leave you with a great song by the Muse. George is harassing me that it took me FOREVER to post this blog, so I am going to post more often to get him off my back. Enjoy the blog, and feel free to post comments or questions. Sorry if my video of Amelie doesn't work, but I will figure this out, or have George do it for me.