Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Interview with Amelie

Hey everyone,

Yes, I have been a slacker on writing this blog lately, but there have been some great reasons why.  My mom moved here in December, I started taking courses online for a graduate course at Harvard(which gives me lots of homework time), and I have been sick at least once per month.  Now that the course and school is finished, I can write the blog and not math equations.

Lately, there are so many things to discuss, but a lot of people have been asking me how I am adjusting to my mom living with George and I since December.  To answer that question, I thought I would give the viewpoint of Amelie Sarah Tahtana Azizi Tsoneva-Herr, an lovable orange feline who has resided with me since November 2011.

Amelie has her own thoughts on the pecking order of who is actually in charge of the household.  Without any further ado, I hope you enjoy her opinions on who she lives with:
Amelie's Dictator Face.  Cross her and you will not survive.

Joe:  Amelie, you spend the most time with George and my mom out of anyone, so what are they really like?

Amelie Sarah Tahtana Azizi Tsoneva-Herr:  
It's about time you finally interviewed me.  I have been waiting for a LOOOONNNGG time for this.  I can finally have a forum for people to hear me.

Joe:  Yeah, I have tens of readers, so you're going to be really famous.  So tell me about living with George.  What is he like when I'm not home?  

Amelie:  George, aka Goshko?  Cool, and he's fun to play with.  We play together a lot, but I sometimes attack him when he's trying to work on his computer, or lay on his chest when he's trying to read a book.  One problem with George is that I must torture him because he is constantly sitting in my favorite spots.  I have a red IKEA chair that he never lets me sit in.  Recently, he bought a desk chair that he somehow plans to use.  He gets upset because he always insists on sitting where I happen to be sleeping.  He should just sit on the floor and stay out of my chairs.

Want to hear something funny?  George says he's Bulgarian, but I heard he gets people giving him English menus and asking him questions on whether he's really Bulgarian.

Joe:  Yeah, he's really not Bulgarian.  Any Bulgarian who despises homemade lutenitsa(and isn't allergic to it) needs serious psychiatric help.  What about my mom?  What is life like with her in the apartment?

Amelie Sarah Tahtana Azizi Tsoneva-Herr:  Grandma Herr is pretty much my devoted subject that gives me food and takes walks.  I am a constant companion by her side when she eats pretty much anything.  Before she came, I barely got any food, had major malnutrition, and was a starving kitty.  Bate Adrian used to give me food during his late night meals from his work, but then I was totally deprived of scraps except yogurt for seven months until Grandma came.

Joe:  So she gives you lots of food when I'm not around?

Amelie: When George isn't looking, I get all the real food I have been craving.  She has expanded my palate considerably.  Chicken, tuna, sausages, kebabches, kuftes, pasta, ice cream, and so much more.

When she broke her leg in March, it became super easy to eat with her, and we've shared a lot of good food.  There was the one night we fought over KFC, but I won that battle and ate half the chicken.  I can't believe she got so upset over KFC.  Now that Grandma Herr is almost healed, she has been forced to leave the bed and eat at the table like a normal human being.  The amount of food I get has decreased a lot, but she still sneaks me food when George is sleeping or isn't looking.

Grandma Herr sleeps at really weird times.  She goes to bed at 7pm sometimes, and wonders why she gets up at 3am wide awake to watch her shows.  It's a constant battle to have her eat dinner at a respectable 7:30 or 8pm instead of 4:30pm.

Two more things:  she gives me way too much food and watches some strange shows.  She actually watches Selena Gomez, bad Disney shows for kids, and this odd Canadian show called 'Beastmaster'.  I also heard she and her sister got three happy-go-lucky dogs on the farm enormously fat from all her generous feedings.  Unlike those dogs, I have a modeling career to sustain, so I have to be a picky rowrer in order to keep my girlish figure.

Joe:  So that explains all the cheese chunks on the floor in her room sometimes.  You realize Grandma Herr is probably moving out sometime in August.  What are your feelings about that?

Amelie Sarah Tahtana Azizi Tsoneva-Herr:   What???  I will have to eat only cat food again?  No way!  Can I visit Grandma for lunch sometimes?

Joe:  You howl bloody murder every time you travel, so I am buying an elephant tranquilizer to knock you out next time I travel with you in the car.  So when I'm not in the apartment, who is really in charge?

Amelie:  Me, of course.  I run the show, and George and Grandma Herr are lucky I let them coexist in my environment.

How do I rule the apartment?  I am a quiet, yet forceful benevolent ruler who seeks for a happy paradise.  I let them get away with things as long as they feed and play with me.

Joe:  So you're telling my tens of readers you're not a cat?

Amelie:  People tell me I am a cat, but I am really human.  On Thanksgiving, one two year old scared me to death by yelling "CCAAAAAATTTT!" so many times I hid under the bed.  But, I am not a cat.  I am the diva extrordanaire of the apartment who gets terrified by cat calls and disoriented by too many entrances.  Even the Kati girl has realized this and she now brings me tuna every time she comes and visits.  I let it slide when she says cat because she brings me tuna and ice cream.

Joe:  When I last checked, you had four legs, paws, and used a litter box.

Amelie:    For that statement, I should take you out like The Dictator.  You're lucky you brought me back a rug from Uzbekistan.

Amelie was so happy I bought this rug just for her from Uzbekistan.  It also looks great in the apartment.

Joe:  Umm, you do realize that if you kill me, all the tuna fish, yogurt, and IAMS will disappear because no one else will buy it for you.

Amelie:   Grandma Herr will get KFC and tuna for me, so I'll survive.  I will let that one slide, but next time you won't be so lucky.  Obviously, I am human and here just a few of the millions of reasons why:
1.  I only drink water out of cups and glasses that people leave out for me to drink out of, usually George.
2.  I devour lots of human food thanks to Bate Adrian(now living the dream in London) and Grandma Herr.  She is great for food, as well as this Kati kid who comes to visit me every so often with tuna fish roll ups.
3.  I love sleeping in the IKEA chairs.
4.  I am extremely picky on what I eat and will not eat pork, beef, citrus fruits, orange ice cream, or any spices.
5.  I love using the computer. I have my own fan page on the Faceplaces, aka Facebooks.

Joe:  Brilliant.  Please explain this picture below:
Indisputable evidence Amelie is a cat.

Amelie Sarah Tahtana Azizi Tsoneva-Herr:  I heard every little girl has four or five mice from IKEA.  How come I only have three?  Where's my Ipad, smartphone, and computer?  Seriously, you're slacking on your parental responsibilities.  You're lucky you give me yogurt, chicken, tuna, and cheese, otherwise I would claw you to shreds.
I am busy working on the computer, so leave me alone.

This interview is officially over.  I am going back to sleep in my desk chair.  For those who come to visit me at our new apartment on 7 Hristo Smirnenski, remember my dietary demands and remember I hate citrus fruits.

Joe:  That's it folks.  Be ready for updates on Bulgarians constantly protesting the past 26 days and Herman Cain's favorite place, Uzbekibekibekistanranstan.  

Author's Sidenote:  Many of you are probably wondering how does a cat get four names and two last names?  Well, I named her Amelie in November.  George suggested that she have a middle name, so we agreed upon her Sarah, as Sarah gave her lots of cat toys Amelie loved.  Tahtana was the next name after seeing The Doll Squad last year, and Tahtana came from the actress/exotic dancer Sura Tatana, who was the token Japanese Doll Squad member(and gets killed off like black people get killed in horror films).  If you have not seen The Doll Squad, here is the link to the The Doll Squad IMDB.  This movie was at the Sofia International Film Festival last year one Saturday night, and  a total of nine people saw the movie(seven of them were associated with my friend Richard).

Azizi comes from Owen, the absolute master of remembering everyone's names.  He kept calling her Azizi because he thought it was Amelie's name, and she responds to Azizi pretty well.  She gets called Azizi by Owen, or by George or myself sometimes.