The peanut butter penalty jar stands at 16 leva, 8 Euro, or about 12 USD. It is slowly building up. This installment has a variety of topics, so enjoy.
Who gives the best fashion advice?
Some may say women, some may say gay men, but I say first grade boys are even better. I honestly test out shirts with them to see what they will say. Why? They are brutally honest because they don't know it's impolite to say something mean about whatever someone is wearing. One prime example is when I bought this great grey shirt that I thought looked fabulous. My first day wearing this shirt to school, many people complimented me, and even my director commented on how great I looked in it with all the weight loss. Well, it didn't take long to hear the official reaction from the boys. Here was their reaction the end of one school day:
Boy 1: You have a big belly with that shirt!
Boy 2: Yeah, look at his belly!
Boys 3-15 in not so much unison, but almost in unison as first graders can do to show excitement: Wow, you DO have a belly with that shirt.
Needless to say, I have not worn that shirt to school since this fateful day a few months ago, but I plan to wear it again next month to see if their opinions have changed.
How to survive driving in Sofia lessons 1 and 2:
In Sofia, I drive more like a Bulgarian, with American sensibility added into my driving skills. In Buffalo, I terrified my family sometimes, until they came to DC and called me an excellent driver and fully understood my driving skills. Sofia is pretty similar to driving in DC or New York, except there is a 25% increase in stupidity and unpredictable behavior. The key to survival is to be prepared for anything to happen, go with the flow, avoid potholes, and have a little bit of lady luck on your side.
To help you get an idea on what driving is like in Sofia, I have decided to give you some helpful hints on how to survive driving in a big city, but spread out over a few issues, so as to slowly understand.
Lesson 1: Be prepared for the noveau rich and Mafia to do anything. Why? Because they believe driving rules don't apply to them, because they feel they are entitled to do these things because they have money, and you do not. On any given day, these people will do amazingly idiotic things just to get a few cars ahead of everyone else. One day this past June, there were 26 major accidents in Sofia, and over 75% of them were caused by people driving expensive Audis, Mercedes, or Porshe SUVs.
In the past year, I have had five instances where one of these idiots almost caused an accident in front of me. It is by pure reflexive skill that I did not run into them. Afterwards, I honk like crazy after them, so they understand what they did almost caused a serious accident. Yet, you know none of them actually care, because I should have anticipated one of them driving down the road recklessly attempting to cause harm to others so they can get to their dinner date faster.
The picture above shows what happened in my hood by one of these drivers next to the Azerbajani embassy one sunny afternoon in September 2009 (I live next to the embassy). In order to do this, the mafia guy had to be traveling at least 80-90 kmph( about 45-50 mph) on a small street and did this in less than 100 meters. On this street, I have never gone over 40kmph(25mph) because it is a small, narrow side street full of lots of people walking. The mutri guy flipped the car into the entrance of the embassy, which obviously really pissed off the Azerbajanis. Usually, these mutri guys will pay off people with money, as they did with Sarah and Owen after a noveau rich driver ran into them. But this time, throwing 300-500 leva at the Azerbaijani embassy wasn't going to work, especially when you flipped a car that blocked their entrance.Lesson 2: Side streets in my neighborhood heading slightly downhill turn into an icy bobsled course: Driving home from my English lesson last year, I was almost home and as I made the right turn by the Russian Embassy, I knew I had to be careful because the side streets are never plowed, and there would be some ice on the road. So, I was only driving 25 kmph(15mph) in anticipation of having to slow down. Little did I know I was in my own episode of Ice Road Truckers. The entire street had turned into a sheet of ice, the street headed downhill slightly, making it impossible for me to stop on the street.
Luckily, there were no other cars on the street, or I would have been in serious trouble. In a state of total panic, I slid past my street and my anti-lock brakes simply were not working on the sheet of ice and were not getting any traction. As I slid past my street, I was hopeful to slow down enough to make the 90 degree right turn that was two blocks away. After passing the Sushi restaurant, I saw a very old man walking in the middle of the street, and he was expecting me to stop for him because he was walking on an icy street. I had to honked excessively to let this old man know I wasn't going to be able to stop, and this guy was not moving. If I hit the guy, I knew I was going to jail and I envisioned the Bulgarian news headline as "Reckless American ruthlessly slaughters defenseless Diado(Grandpa) with his car". The thoughts flashed through my head of being in jail for a long time, and becoming girlfriend to a toothless, tattooed prisoner in a Bulgarian prison outside Pazardjik for 10-20 years.
While I never would have intended to hit the man, the Bulgarian press would have had a field day with me, because they're bitter the US will not give them travel visas like the other EU members.
Fortunately, the old man got out of the way just in time, and I managed to slide into the turn going 10 miles an hour and come to a stop on the flat cross-street. Somehow, I avoided prison, infamy, and becoming a girlfriend to a toothless, tatooed prisoner. My fate is to continue to live here and now write this blog. This night taught me two important lessons:
1. Never go down these side streets when they turn into a sheet of ice, and take an alternate route home.
2. Honking excessively at old people does no good, because they're just too old to care.
You might be a Mutri if (Mafia guy or Mafia Wife):
If you wear or own anything with a leopard print, you just might be Mutri.
If your wife is 20, you are 50, and you bought breast implants for her, you just might be Mutri.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43_-NKtuhLo
If your nine year old child has a birthday party that cost the equivalent of the Lesotho yearly budget, you might be Mutri.
If you are a 20 year old woman driving a Porshe, you just might be a Mutri wife. Or Matt Ziems is right: There are A LOT of 20-25 year old young successful businesswomen driving around Lozentz in Porshes, Audis, and Mercedes. American women need to get their act together to compete with these entreprenurial geniuses.
If you like this clip, you might be Mutri, gay, a villager, or all of the above. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oA1daDCVC_Y
I wonder what Lady Gaga would do if she knew this clip existed........
Explaining the above clips:
Kamelia's Orgasm: I think Kamelia is using the Bible to hope to have her love come and be with her and have orgasms for the end of eternity. It also has an interesting interpretation of the leopard print outfit, for which she is thanking Baby Jesus for by holding the bible. In addition, she is thanking god for giving her the breast implants. Anyone else have an idea why the bible is in this song?
Sashka Vaseva's Lady Gaga Song: Yes, that is indeed the title. I think this clip represents Bulgaria well because it shows the entire of a Mutri home, the gays who love chalga singers, and the fashion you must wear to catch a mutri guy, or one of their sons.
That's all for now. In the next issue, I will give you the full details of teaching Bulgarian to Bulgarians. And, it will be out by the end of the February.
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