Sunday, October 25, 2015

American Shopping and Coffee Ordering: George Style

Ordering Coffee and Shopping in America

For those wanting Tanzania photos, too bad!  I am writing a much overdue blog about George in America.  If shopping were an Olympic sport, George would easily medal with at least a silver.  As for coffee, it is more on the hysterical side, as there are really many coffee places, but very few who actually know how to make an espresso.  Americans living there, you may think you are drinking espresso in your fancy coffee shops, but you are so, so, so wrong it just hurts.

Enjoy this edition of the blog, and there will be at least one more on George in America.


"Why do they use Italian names for the sizes at Starbuck's when they don't have Italian coffee ☕?"

That's right Starbucks.  Why?  Why do you pretend to have Italian coffee when it is your own blend?  There are no Italians there, and they have no idea how to make an espresso at Starbucks.  For this 'Italian' coffee, Italians would throw into their garbage rather than use it as fertilizer for their gardens.  As for drinking it, forget about it.  George says it sucks, and does not understand the obsession Americans have with Starbucks (sorry Marsha and other Starbucks fanatics).  Even the allure of free wifii did not make George want to go there. As a non-coffee person, I think Starbucks are geniuses for making people pay outrageous amounts of money for a cup of coffee which they could make at home.  

"It's fucking cheap."   Niagara Outlet Mall

On a rainy day, Niagara Falls was nice, but the Outlet Mall there was even better.  Luckily, we drove separately from Anne and my aunt Camille, otherwise they might have never been allowed to leave the Outlet Mall.  George loved it, and together we had a great shopping day.  At the Body Shop, George purchased so much stuff he got a liter bottle of strawberry bottle wash, which we gave to my aunt because it was too big to fit in the luggage.  

For clothing, George hit the jackpot in Buffalo because he's an extra-small or small for a shirt size, and those sizes are always left on the racks for clearance.  At the Outlet Mall, George became a trained assassin buyer, saving hundreds of dollars.  He got a shirt at Calvin Klein for $15 USD, and a shirt at Tommy Hilfiger for $12.  His motivation for coming back to Buffalo is to shop at the Outlet Mall for 2-3 days.  Heather and others who like shopping, I can do a day, but you'll need to be his shopping assistants.  
With the deals we got, this stuff was really cheap from the Body Shop, and Bath and Body Works.  Next year, I might need a third suitcase to get George his stuff.  

At Sak's Off 5th Avenue, George and I saved 75% off four shirts.  We paid an average of $25-30 dollars on shirts that cost $100-125 USD.

"I can deal with and shop at Walmart."

Walmart sort of disappointed for the people of Walmart.  In Lockport, there were 1-2 crazy gay diva employees, but none of the fun people you see on the Internet sites.  The Clarence, NY Walmart is the classy Walmart, and truly disappointed with its classiness.  Contrary to popular opinion, I will shop at Walmart, as they have a few things you cannot find anywhere else, such as large bags of bacon bits.  For the bacon bits, these are 100% healthy and from farm raised, non hormonal pigs (or whatever people want to hear when eating food in the U.S. to make themselves feel better).
This incredible fashion ensemble was seen outside Wright's Corners, NY on a warm, humid day.  While not at Walmart, it counts once I explain the situation.  This outfit was made to be riding on the back of a motorcycle on a Sunday drive with her man.  For those wondering, there is underwear involved on the bottom, but I believe the 'girls' are loose and free on the top.  The best part is this woman needed water to cool herself down, but she fanned her shirt to give her breasts some air after being in close quarters on the motorcycle ride.  Luckily for her, she was wearing a helmet, and the cowboy boots definitely highlight the rest of the outfit.

"Finally, an Italian lady who wasn't surprised by me ordering an espresso." - at cafe Paradisio in the North End of Boston

Boston was a great city to visit people, but George's opinion of Boston went down considerably after visiting.  He actually preferred Buffalo over Boston, except for getting espresso at Cafe Paradisio.  At the cafe, there was an elderly Italian lady who scoffed at the other ladies in line for not know what espresso was.  And for the first and probably only time in America, George got proper espresso from maybe the woman who was the matriarch who runs the place, or the mom of the matriarch who runs the place.  So unline Safwan and Petia's adventure of not getting espresso anywhere last year, George was successful at least once in Boston.

"That idiot snob with the man bun had to use a scale to measure coffee for the espresso." - at an 'unnamed snooty upscale coffee shop in Arlington, MA

In Boston, Todd was being a great host and took George to this great place which had special coffees and could give him a proper espresso coffee.  George was game to try it, after having success with the Italian ladies in Boston.  Todd and I stayed in the car with Joyce, while George went in to grab the elusive espresso that eluded him everywhere except at Cafe Paradisio in Boston.  The look on his face as he entered the car said it all, as his scowl explained the entire situation.  First, the guy in the store acted as if he knew what an espresso was, and did it all the time.  However, the snooty manbun hipster used a scale to measure the amount of coffee used for an espresso that tasted like sewage.  Good try Todd, but at least you had success with Cafe Paradisio. 

What the hell is neckware??

Yes, neckware is an awesome term for ties, and George wondered why stores just use the word ties instead of neckware.  Neckware departments were seen quite a few times, and quite a popular word to use.  

"How can I help you?"

 "Leave me the fuck alone."  - To me 20 seconds later at an undisclosed Macy's in Buffalo. 

While George loved shopping at Macy's, especially when we bought the two suitcases, he did not like all the people asking him if he wanted help.  When checking out, the woman asked us whether we wanted to open a Macy's account to save an extra 15%.  When we told her we were just visiting family, she assumed we lived in Canada, and we had to tell her the suitcases were meant to complete out empire of traveling options between Bulgaria and the U.S.(and other places).  It threw her for a loop, but she let us get an extra 20% on the suitcases using the Macy coupons.  

Macy's also has free wifii, which is good to know for someone who loves his internet.  

Ordering coffee at Tim Horton's takes George saying espresso cappuccino 3-4 times to actually get what he wants.

This was an truly entertaining thing, which had me in hysterics every time we went to Tim Horton's, the only acceptable place besides Spot to grab an espresso.  Tim Horton's is a Canadian and Buffalo place to be for coffee and donuts, and the timbits are like crack.  They should go back to making more donuts though, instead of the croissants and other stuff they try to have in the bakery.  As for the espresso ordering, it was always entertaining event to see George order an espresso for which all they had to do was press the button on the machine.  In one instance, George came out flustered with an iced cappuccino, which had me laughing so hard I almost peed my pants.  In other instances, I would watch quietly smirking, while the poor Tim Horton's employee asked George 3-4 times to clarify his order.  After finally realizing George wanted a single shot espresso, the poor flustered employee would press the button giving George something that would pass as acceptable coffee.  In the one Tim Horton's closest to the farm, I think George broke the espresso machine, as we went in there one day and they had to tell him there was no espresso because the machine was broken.  

"Your people dressed weird even back then."   At the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City

We went into the colonial era of America, and George couldn't help but say how horribly we dressed 150-200 years ago as a country.  In our defense, there were no malls in the 1800s, and wearing Italian fashion wasn't practical in pioneer environments.  So there George.  So to make up for a lack of a picture of poor American colonial fashion (because we cruised through this section in about two minutes), here is a picture of Chinese couture at the Met instead.  

God bless Donald Trump and all his hair and crazy fashion choices.  His hair qualifies for bad fashion of Americans.  Hoping for a Trump vs. Sanders presidential vote in 2016. 

Spill coffee on your t-shirt on the way to visiting Linda in Rochester?  Never fear, as Kohl's is a great option to get a cheap, fashionable t-shirt.     

See this t-shirt George is wearing in Times Square?  It only costs $4.81 at Kohl's in Batavia, NY.  It was an unplanned purchase, as George spilled his Tim Horton's espresso all over himself in Akron on Clarence Center Road.  So rather than go back to the farm, I knew Kohl's would be the best place to get a replacement t-shirt.  And sure enough, Kohl's delivered with this t-shirt George actually wanted to buy, and it cost less than $5.  George was really happy.

"We got four suitcases for free and 200 lbs (about 92 kilos) of luggage for free"  


All right, this is me speaking at the end, but you must admit it is quite the feat to get four suitcases to Bulgaria for free.  At the Buffalo International Airport (which really doesn't have an international destination, but lots of Canadians and Asian tourist), the Delta gay diva working there first said that we were not on the flight.  We both emphatically told him we were definitely on the flight with the 40 Chinese tourists going home.  And sure enough, we were.  And then something crazy happened, in that I got all four suitcases on the plane for FREE to Bulgaria.  I used my credit card which allowed me two bags, but I thought for sure I would be paying for one of George's bags, which was really my suitcase full of books and stuff.  For once, Delta actually did something right, instead of making my flights hellish.   

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